TalentSmart has tested the
emotional intelligence (EQ) of more than a million people and discovered that
social awareness is a skill in which many of us are lacking.
We lack
social awareness because we’re so focused on what we’re going to say next and
how what other people are saying affects us that we completely lose sight of
other people.
The beauty
of social awareness is that a few simple adjustments to what you say can vastly
improve your relationships with other people.
There are
some phrases that emotionally intelligent people are careful to avoid in casual
conversation. The following are the worst offenders. You should avoid them at
all costs.
“You look
tired.” Tired people
are incredibly unappealing—they have droopy eyes and messy hair, they have
trouble concentrating, and they’re as grouchy as they come. Telling someone he
looks tired implies all of the above and then some.
Instead say: “Is everything okay?” Most
people ask if someone is tired because they’re intending to be helpful (they
want to know if the other person is okay). Instead of assuming someone’s
disposition, just ask. This way, he can open up and share. More importantly, he
will see you as concerned instead of rude.
“You
always…” or “You never…” No one always or never does anything. People don’t see themselves as
one-dimensional, so you shouldn’t attempt to define them as such. These phrases
make people defensive and closed off to your message, which is a really bad
thing because you likely use these phrases when you have something important to
discuss.
Instead say: Simply point out what the other
person did that’s a problem for you. Stick to the facts. If the frequency of
the behavior is an issue, you can always say, “It seems like you do this
often.” or “You do this often enough for me to notice.”
“As I said
before…” We all
forget things from time to time. This phrase makes it sound as if you’re
insulted at having to repeat yourself, which is hard on the recipient (someone
who is genuinely interested in hearing your perspective). Getting insulted over
having to repeat yourself suggests that either you’re insecure or you think
you’re better than everyone else (or both!). Few people who use this phrase
actually feel this way.
Instead say: When you say it again, see what you
can do to convey the message in a clearer and more interesting manner. This way
they'll remember what you said.
“Good luck.”
This is a
subtle one. It certainly isn’t the end of the world if you wish someone good
luck, but you can do better because this phrase implies that they need luck to
succeed.
Instead say: “I know you have what it takes.”
This is better than wishing her luck because suggesting that she has the skills
needed to succeed provides a huge boost of confidence. You’ll stand out from
everyone else who simply wishes her luck.
“It’s up to
you.” or “Whatever you want.” While you may be indifferent to the question, your
opinion is important to the person asking (or else he wouldn’t have asked you
in the first place).
Instead say: “I don’t have a strong opinion either way, but a couple things to
consider are…” When you
offer an opinion (even without choosing a side), it shows that you care about
the person asking.
“Well at
least I’ve never ___.” This phrase is an aggressive way to shift attention away from your
mistake by pointing out an old, likely irrelevant mistake the other person made
(and one you should have forgiven her for by now).
Instead say: “I’m sorry.” Owning up to
your mistake is the best way to bring the discussion to a more rational, calm
place so that you can work things out. Admitting guilt is an amazing way to
prevent escalation.
“Wow, you’ve
lost a ton of weight!” Once again, a well-meaning comment in this case a compliment—creates the
impression that you’re being critical. Telling someone that she has lost a lot
of weight suggests that she used to look fat or unattractive.
Instead say:
“You look fantastic.” This one is
an easy fix. Instead of comparing how she looks now to how she used to look,
just compliment her for looking great. It takes the past right out of the
picture.
“You were
too good for her anyway.” When someone severs ties with a relationship of any type, personal or
professional, this comment implies he has bad taste and made a poor choice in
the first place.
Instead say: “Her loss!” This provides
the same enthusiastic support and optimism without any implied criticism.
“You look
great for your age.” Using “for
your” as a qualifier always comes across as condescending and rude. No one
wants to be smart for an athlete or in good shape relative to other people who
are also knocking on death’s door. People simply want to be smart and fit.
Instead say:
“You look great.” This one is
another easy fix. Genuine compliments don’t need qualifiers.
Bringing It All Together
In everyday
conversation, it’s the little things that make all the difference. Try these
suggestions out, and you’ll be amazed at the positive response you get.
Credit: linkedin
by Dr. Travis Bradberry
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